Smoking weed every day, constantly repeating himself that he could “stop at any time” or “today’s the last time, we ran out of money.” yeah whatever.
“I love you, more than you know” he says. But these words only fall from a child’s mouth not the man i thought he was becoming.
“I’m just so busy”
“My phone died”
“I had a really bad day”
“I was really high”
etc., etc…I can only take the excuses for so long. He acts like he wants the surrender-all type of love, and he acts like he wants it with me, but when it comes time to raise the white flag he cowers away. We are the farthest thing from the same people; i really don’t know what you were talking about anymore. I want to go to college, i want to get married young..to someone who is my best friend, to someone who changes the guy-code meaning of marriage from “prison” to “adventure” or “promise” i want to spend a few years together, building a life that we know will last. And then, i want kids…that’s right, not A SINGLE child when i’m 38 years old and my time-clock is on its last few seconds…no; i want 3-4 kids, i want a family, i want to eat dinner together at the table every night, i want to take my kids to soccer/basketball/flag-football practice.
But you never asked what I wanted. It never really mattered as much.
You basically want to retire straight out of college. Sail around in your little boat for a few years. Where are you going to get the money? Was i supposed to just drop all of my dreams while you got your childish ones out of your system? or was i supposed to just wait here undoubtedly devoted to you until YOU decided it was “time.”
Not only have i always been here, always loving you, always ready to give it all without any hesitation, but i’ve also been moving forward, not looking into my past; i’ve been growing up.. Not grieving over every little thing that i missed out on as a child and using it as an excuse for my juvenile behavior. I’m sure your dad will appreciate you getting busted on a drug deal or something, that’ll be a phone-call to remember. Go ahead and add this to the list of reasons why you feel sorry for yourself all the time, but I’ve found someone who doesn’t. I’ve found someone who wants the same things as i do. I’ve found someone who levels me out, someone who keeps me grounded and steady and focused on my goals and my family and the good things around us. Mary Jane is filth on the ground compared to me, in his eyes. 5 minutes of hearing my voice during the day is what fulfills his.
Yes, maybe if things had been different between us long ago my heart would still be resting in your hands. But maybe, you are right. You have left me one too many times that this time, i could only blame it on my own stupidity. You are a 12 year old in a 19 year old’s body, and i don’t see that changing until you write all your music and all your books and sail around the world and do everything YOU want to do until anyone else’s life matters. You want to live your own life, centered around yourself, and then MAYBE squeeze in a little time for Love. The love you’re going to end up with is the girls that you meet on your lonely nights who satisfy you until the sun comes up. But that face will never be the same for you and you will never find another girl who has lingered around for about five years waiting for you to grow a pair. Maybe that’s what you need but i’ve grown tired of waiting to find out. I’ll let some other take the reins on this one.
There is so much more that’s needed to be said, but you don’t have the time. So i’ll leave it at that then. I will always love you, but you’ll never love me the way i need you to.
“Forgive me, first love, but i’m tired.
I need to get away to feel again.
Try to understand why.
Don’t get so close to change my mind”
